I really kind of hate the universe right now. I haven't seen my therapist in a looonnggg while ( that doesn't help). But one thing that has kind of been in my head over and over again is the question people ask me this time of year: "What do you want for your birthday?"
The answer: Nothing anyone can give me.. (beyond a million dollars :P )
No, the actual answer is that on the one day of the year it's supposed to be about me here's what I want and what I don't want:
I want:
-no school
-no homework
-no people except the people I want to be around
- no stress
- people beyond a few to actually remember that it is my birthday...
- someone random to actually give me a real compliment
-someone random to ask me out so that i can actually realize the ii might be relatively attractive.

I don't want:
- INTERRUPTIONS
- Parents
- Stupidity.

Simple right?

Ok, done with my rant.

I go into my local CVS to get an application today. I'm greeted by an upbeat late 20 something year old. I tell her that I am interested in the job and she replies: "Well you gotta get yourself to the library or at home and go apply on the website."
I say: "Thanks, and that's cvs.com, right?"
she responds " Yes but you must be at least 16."
my response " In fact I am 18, but I guess I am look particularly young today."
her reply: " Oh my well that's a good thing, now have a nice day."

Ummmm WTF?

I go into my local CVS to get an application today. I'm greeted by an upbeat late 20 something year old. I tell her that I am interested in the job and she replies: "Well you gotta get yourself to the library or at home and go apply on the website."
I say: "Thanks, and that's cvs.com, right?"
she responds " Yes but you must be at least 16."
my response " In fact I am 18, but I guess I am look particularly young today."
her reply: " Oh my well that's a good thing, now have a nice day."

Ummmm WTF?

I don't know why lately I've been so bitchy at the world. Because I have been. And I don't mean to be. It just comes out. I can't explain. At the same time I just feel like crying. I don't have the energy for anything, including the crying. I'm sick of school, and the way things are, and the way they have been for too long. I just want a change. What the hell am I saying? I HATE change. Entirely hate change. I think it might just be a temporary solution to something bigger, perhaps a bigger change? But I think I am starting to have the energy to cry at the very least...nope, just a few tears.

Typing late at night sucks. I'm only 4 pages into my 7 page ugly paper. I'm going to take a freaking nap. 2 hrs. NEED SLEEP.

xoxo

Everything has been a little haywire to say the least. I really have no idea what has been going on with everyone. All I've been doing is avoiding homework (essays). Ok screw it: I don't know what is even going on with me. What the hell is going on with it all????? I am sick of trying to guess.

PS- Parents should shut the fuck up. They're all hypocrites.

The imaginary feeling, love
is a fake.
That feeling that wells up in your heart,
is a lie.
This is what will lead you to
hate.
Hate is the only way.
There is no love because if it is,
it is a stepping stone,
to inevitable hatred.
In limbo,
you are a bimbo,
if you believe the imaginary feeling
will leave you anything but seething.

I hate.
I love.
I am a bimbo?
Here in this limbo.
--------------------------------------

Parents, when they fight you're heart is torn, and no matter how much you try and make it "not your problem" it is. You as yourself if it was your fault. I guess in some sense you know there are other things but it does feel quite hopeless. And if it wasn't enough there's everything else as well. Your school. Your homework. Your friends. Your lover.

This is how I feel. I wrote a similar song a few years ago entitled the same:
"Welcome To My Life"- Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

1. I am an idiot
2. I get frustrated too easily.
3. I'm so glad my boyfriend loves me.
4. Sometimes even when you cry, as long as there's a shoulder, you're okay.
5. I love him so much.

Breath

There's this sharp breath I take when I go into kiss you,
Not every time,
Just once and awhile.
It's when there's that specific air between us.
Inside there's fire yearning to burn everything and anything in its path
Our lips touch like magnets destined to find one another
in a sea of sand;
The second they part after a series of battles between our tongues,
I take that sharp breath.
Then, at that very moment
Kissing you is enough,
It's a place that words do not know
That breath is a sign to me that more than our tastes have suspected,
Emotion, Air,
And a breath.